MINNEAPOLIS — UnitedHealth Group reported record earnings, attributing the surge to policyholders remaining untreated until condition resolution. CEO Andrew Witty praised the strategy, noting interventions are costly compared to natural outcomes. "We find mortality is significantly cheaper than chemotherapy," said VP of Actuarial Efficiency Sarah Jenkins.
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
UnitedHealth Group Profits Soar As Patients Successfully Avoid Treatment
Expert Weighs In
“We find mortality is significantly cheaper than chemotherapy”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
