MINNEAPOLIS — Cambria CEO and Republican megadonor Marty Davis defended his successful lobbying for federal quartz tariffs Thursday, testifying before the Commerce Department that the real threat isn't Chinese manufacturing subsidies but a shadowy international cartel flooding the U.S. with 'granite impersonating a superior mineral.'

Davis, whose company controls roughly one-third of the domestic quartz countertop market, explained that foreign granite syndicates had begun texturing their product to mimic the engineered surface of quartz, a deception he called 'a geological fraud against the American kitchen.'

The tariffs, which add 35 percent to imported quartz, have drawn outrage from competitors who rely on overseas supply. Davis dismissed their complaints as the whining of businesses unwilling to distinguish between authentic silicate craftsmanship and quarried impostors.

"If we allow granite to pass itself off as quartz in American homes, what's next? Soapstone pretending to be marble?" Davis asked. "This is how civilizations lose their grip on igneous truth."

Industry observers noted that Cambria imports zero foreign quartz, making the tariffs a cost borne entirely by its rivals while the company's domestic product remains untouched.