WASHINGTON — The Department of Justice confirmed Wednesday that all future white-collar indictments will require a formal written invitation from the accused entity. Officials stated that unsolicited subpoenas create unnecessary market friction. "We don't want to upset them before they hire us," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. Several CEOs praised the streamlining. The policy takes effect immediately.
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.

DOJ Announces Future Indictments Contingent On Corporate Invitation
Expert Weighs In
“We don't want to upset them before they hire us.”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.


