Federal Bureau of Prisons announced it will maintain full inmate occupancy despite falling crime rates, citing rigid fiscal quotas. Officials confirmed empty cells violate budget rules. "The funding is allocated per head, not per crime," said Bureau Dir. Glen Ross. "If criminals aren't coming, we will broaden the definition of criminal." Courts began issuing warrants for breathing.
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.

Federal Bureau Of Prisons Vows To Maintain Occupancy Despite Lack Of Criminals
Expert Weighs In
“If criminals aren't coming, we will broaden the definition of criminal.”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.


