WASHINGTON — The FDA confirmed it updated risk metrics to ensure the cyclospora outbreak no longer qualifies as catastrophic. Officials stated the change was necessary to protect stock prices. Consumers reporting distress were advised to file complaints under 'minor inconvenience.' "Technically, everyone is still sick, but the graph looks flatter," said Acting Director of Metrics Linda Hess.
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.

FDA Recalibrates 'Catastrophic' Threshold To Exclude Current Cyclospora Rates
Expert Weighs In
“Technically, everyone is still sick, but the graph looks flatter,”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.


