WASHINGTON — The National Park Service confirmed Monday that all Semiquincentennial festivities will officially count toward President Trump's personal age accumulation rather than the nation's founding. Permits require gold plating; the Declaration will be signed on Truth Social. "Historically, nations expire, but brands endure," said Chief of Staff Susie Wiles. Fireworks resemble campaign rally finales.
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.

White House Reclassifies Nation's 250th Anniversary As Trump Birthday Party
Expert Weighs In
“Historically, nations expire, but brands endure,”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.


