BEIRUT — The State Department confirmed Monday that the brokered truce will strictly observe 9-to-5 Eastern Standard Time, pausing hostilities only while U.S. diplomats are at their desks. Commanders were told to resume shelling promptly at 5 p.m. EST for evenings and weekends. "War doesn't stop for lunch, but our staffing model does," said Undersecretary for Conflict Management Linda Grossman.
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.

Ceasefire In Effect Only During Eastern Standard Business Hours
Expert Weighs In
“War doesn't stop for lunch, but our staffing model does,”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.


