WASHINGTON — The Nuclear Regulatory Commission confirmed Monday that symptoms of acute radiation syndrome will now be categorized as seasonal influenza to maintain staffing levels at domestic power plants. Officials stated that hair loss and organ failure are merely immune responses to shift work. Productivity outweighs the biological cost, said Dr. Alan Mercer, Head of Workplace Wellness. A dead worker can't turn a valve, but a sick one can.
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
Nuclear Regulatory Commission Reclassifies Radiation Sickness As Seasonal Influenza
Expert Weighs In
“Productivity outweighs the biological cost. A dead worker can't turn a valve, but a sick one can.”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
