WASHINGTON — Major U.S. health insurers announced that heartbeat coverage will no longer be deemed medically necessary, effective immediately, to reduce costs. Officials cited the move as essential for profitability, with patients advised to seek alternatives like manual pumping. 'This ensures we're only covering what's truly essential—billable procedures,' said a spokesperson.
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
Health Insurers Classify Heartbeat as 'Not Medically Necessary', Deny Coverage
Expert Weighs In
“Excluding heartbeat coverage allows us to focus on treatments that actually contribute to our shareholders' returns, rather than these outdated biological functions.”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
