WASHINGTON — Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins announced Monday that all gastrointestinal distress resulting from USDA-regulated products would henceforth be categorized as consumer interpretation errors rather than safety failures. Department officials stated biological reactions fall under personal jurisdiction. "Your colon is not a federal asset," said USDA Liaison Mark Stevens. "Stop expecting us to manage your exit strategy."
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
USDA Reclassifies Food Poisoning As Consumer Interpretation Error
Expert Weighs In
“Your colon is not a federal asset. Stop expecting us to manage your exit strategy.”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
