MINNEAPOLIS — UnitedHealth Group reported $5.4 billion in profits Tuesday, attributing the surplus to a new policy reclassifying patient death as voluntary termination of service. The insurer noted that closing claims upon biological cessation has streamlined administrative overhead. Shareholders applauded the shift toward profitability over treatment.
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
UnitedHealth Achieves Cost Savings By Reclassifying Death As Voluntary Termination Of Service
Expert Weighs In
“It turns out dead members don't file appeals, which really optimizes the workflow.”
⚠️ Satirical article. Expert quotes are fictional.
